Well, again, I have no idea who actually still reads this thing now that I'm back, but I enjoy writing, so I'll continue to update it now and then. For this update, I decided to include my capstone paper, which was our final project in our Faith in Action class. We were to write from a future perspective, anywhere from five months, to fifty years, and I chose to write a journal entry from the day I begin student teaching. Just a warning, it's rather lengthy, as the requirement was 5-8 pages, so don't feel like you have to read it all. I'm just posting it, well, I'm not sure why. Read through it if you want to, or skip it. It really doesn't matter to me....
January 12, 2009- 5:30am
It’s raining again and while I love being in control of the situation, I cannot help but think back to the days eight months ago when the rain stopped everything. On those mornings I had no control. I could not go outside to the toilet or the shower. I could not go out to brush my teeth. My family stayed in bed and did not expect me to go to school. They told me I would not have lectures that day. They told me the rain made it too dangerous to walk down the hill to school. And when I finally convinced them that I would in fact have lectures that day and that I needed to leave if I was going to be on time, I left the house only to find an empty town, for the entirety of life stops when it rains in Uganda. I walked past empty shops and noticed the normal abundance of school children were nowhere to be found. I arrived at school much later than on normal days, and it was all because of the rain. Those days for me are in the past, though, and the rain no longer stops me. I cannot let it stop me. After all, today of all days is a day I cannot be late. Today, January 12, 2009, is the day I start student teaching.
This day is one I have feared for years. Even before I began college, I knew this day would come and I dreaded it. Though being a teacher has been the one job on my mind since fifth grade, the thought of standing in front of a classroom and actually teaching has always somewhat terrified me. I am not one for public speaking, and while teachers played an incredibly influential role in my own life, I have often questioned whether or not I would ever have the same impact on others. The question has constantly been in my mind, “What if I begin student teaching and realize that this is not at all the job for me?”
For years I have lived fearing the unknown, and I will admit, I definitely still do, especially at times like this. Looking back, however, I now find comfort in what I learned throughout my semester in Uganda. It was one year ago today that I left my parents in the airport, walked onto a plane, and began to wonder what on earth I was doing leaving everything and everyone I knew to spend four months in Africa. I constantly questioned my decision, even for weeks after my arrival. “What was I thinking? I am not cut out for this. What if I hate it? What if my family hates me? What if I can’t make any friends? Did God really call me to this or did I make it all up? Am I making a huge mistake?” Now here I am this morning, hours away from showing up at my first day of student teaching, and I am haunted by some of the same questions. It is only by reflecting on the past that I can convince myself that even if I hate it, even if it is not for me, even if at times I feel it is the worst experience of my life, God has a purpose for it and He will undoubtedly lead me through it.
Aside from student teaching, it seems I can relate nearly any situation to something I learned while in Uganda. When I think back to what I learned and the convictions that grew so strong in my heart while I was there, the first thing that comes to mind is simple living. Reading Ronald Sider’s Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger and a small excerpt from Discipline of Simplicity by Richard Foster created a passion for simple living I had never before experienced. That being said, I should clarify that I did not and still do not feel called to sell all I have and give it all to the poor, but I have been called to a simpler lifestyle. Since returning to America I have consistently lived out two of the commitments Brooke challenged us with during CIS class. I have kept the Sabbath and have not purchased any unnecessary clothing. As soon as I read Foster’s comments on clothing, I knew I needed to change. “Consider your clothes,” he says. “Most people have no need for more clothes. They buy more not because they need clothes, but because they want to keep up with the fashions. Buy what you need. Stop trying to impress people with your clothes and impress them with your life” (90). Those very words made me cringe as I thought about my over-stuffed closet at home and how often I buy new clothing on the spot simply because it is the latest fashion or my friends tell me to. Committing to avoid any unnecessary clothing purchases for one year has not only helped me reduce my wardrobe, but it has also forced me to avoid impulsive purchases that were so common to me in years past.
Keeping the Sabbath has been the most difficult challenge for me, though, as schoolwork always seems to pile up and free weekends are the perfect time to catch up. However, while I found it challenging at first, I have more recently been finding that when I purposely choose to set aside time for rest and for God, everything else seems to fall into place as well, and somehow I always manage to find time to complete every item on my to-do list. If nothing else, keeping the Sabbath has helped me stop worrying so much about the future and when I will accomplish all of my tasks. Richard Foster states in Discipline of Simplicity, “Worthy as all other concerns may be, the moment they become the focus of our efforts they become idolatry” (87). Not only did I worry about when I would finish my work if I kept the Sabbath, but I grew hesitant of the smallest petty matters such as what I would wear for student teaching or what my friends would think of me when I told them I could not buy new clothes. I grew even more concerned with financial matters such as how I could possibly afford to go an entire semester during student teaching without having a job. But as Foster pointed out, the simple life is all about trust. “Simplicity means the freedom to trust God for all things…If we truly believe that God is who Jesus says he is, then we do not need to be afraid” (89). Never before have I better understood the verses in Matthew that urge us not to worry. Never before have the words “Therefore do not worry saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after these things and your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” meant so much to me (Matthew 6:31-34). I am eight months in to the two commitments I made while in Uganda, and while they have been challenging at times, I can say without a doubt I have been incredibly blessed by keeping those commitments.
While it has been eight months since I returned to America, and life seems to be back to normal, I cannot say the transition has not been without challenges. It has been difficult to find a balance between living simply, helping the poor, and simply being an American. I have often found myself questioning how much I should give to the poor or wondering how to best spend my money on the poor. While those are probably legitimate concerns, I find myself growing frustrated because I think back to the examples my host family provided me when it came to helping those in need and it makes me realize how selfish I still am. Jason Carpenter, a man serving with Samaritan’s Purse in Uganda added to this example by saying, “If a neighbor is in need, they don’t stop and question whether they can afford to assist them, they simply help- no questions asked. They are not worried about the future, they simply rely on God.” I remember seeing what he explained firsthand as our neighbor ran to our house in a panic last week because her four year old daughter had fallen and broken her arm, but she did not have enough money to go to the hospital. My family acted immediately and provided her with enough money to treat the girl. They did not hesitate for even a moment. They did not stop to question whether or not the person in need was a hard worker or was a good enough friend to be worth their money, they just acted according to the need of their neighbor. I long to be that compassionate and that selfless, but I constantly see evidence that I still have far to go. Perhaps one of the statements I have most remembered from Uganda is from Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger and says, “The life of the most degraded person is worth far more than the most valuable possession” (Sider, 95). I only wish I could say that statement defined my current state of helping others, but I have to admit I still find myself questioning the worth of a human’s life when deciding whether or not to give to them. I participate in a program called Save Our Streets where we go walk the streets of Chicago and visit with the homeless people, and I enjoy nearly every moment of it, but I still constantly find myself questioning whether or not a person actually deserves my help. I can only hope that by continuing to consider the needs of the poor, I will eventually follow the example of my host family and simply give: no questions asked.
One hour later:
I feel much more confident going in to this day now that I have prayed. I am finding more and more how effective prayer is and how much it really can change my life. Something happens during prayer that allows me to realize it really is possible to hand everything over to God and to trust Him completely. I have grown up hearing about the power of prayer and the importance of trusting God, and have seen both concepts at work in my life, but it was not until my semester in Uganda that I began to fully grasp the concepts and began to understand how they fit together. Before leaving for Uganda one of my professors encouraged me with a verse about trust. Psalm 31:14-15 has since become one of my life verses. “I trust you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hand.” I can remember trust being both a struggle and a blessing during my first month of Uganda they dropped me off alone at my homestay even after I had specifically requested to have a roommate. I did not have an easy time adjusting to family life and constantly questioned my ability to relate to my family. Throughout the semester life just was not what I wanted it to be as I constantly struggled to fit in at home and was not able to help around the house or be a part of the family. I began to question whether God really wanted me to be in Uganda and though I was constantly praying and asking for prayers, I doubted at times whether they made any difference. Time and time again, however, as the semester progressed and I began to share my struggles with various individuals, trust and prayer started to show up in unexpected ways and forever (hopefully anyway) changed my perspective on the two subjects. During times of the semester when I felt I was at my absolute worst and felt discouraged beyond belief, God showed up through comments that I will always remember. For example, after rural homestays I was fighting back tears thinking about returning home to my host family. I still did not feel like I felt in and I felt extremely discouraged about the entire situation, especially after listening to others describe how wonderful their host families were. At that moment, Brooke’s husband, Wills, said exactly what I needed to hear. “I truly believe God has a specific reason for everything. You guys didn’t just show up in Uganda for no reason. He wants you here, and I believe when you get back to America slowly by slowly just how much you learned.” And at that moment, my tears disappeared. Yet saying that God’s plan is perfect is much easier than actually believing it. That is where prayer came in. Wills also commented in the same conversation that “If you start each day in prayer saying ‘God, may you guide each step I take today and do not let me step outside of your will,’ then your choices should reflect God’s choices, and in turn, God should be at the center of your life. And since the moment I heard his statement, I have tried to start each morning with that very prayer, and have tried to keep Christ in the center of my life. I cannot say I always succeed, and in fact I have failed miserably at times, but prayer definitely has been a larger part of my life than it ever used to be. Learning to trust in the fact that everything actually does happen for a reason and is part of God’s plan was a crucial aspect of surviving the rest of my semester in Uganda, and in turn, has become an incredible encouragement in every other moment of my life. Had it not been for my semester in Uganda and the emphasis I saw my community place on prayer, I would not be so committed to prayer at this time in my life. It was experiences such as an overnight prayer service to combat witchcraft in Mukono and my family gathering around my bed when I was sick just to pray for me that allowed me to see how essential prayer is to our lives as Christians. Prayer is not simply presenting our requests to God, though, and prayer is not always an easy task. As Henri Nouwen states in Compassion, “Prayer requires that we stand in God’s presence with open hands, naked and vulnerable, proclaiming to ourselves and to others that without God we can do nothing” (102). I do not always succeed in my prayer life. I do not always remember to pray. There are times when I should first run to God in prayer but I instead run to another friend or source of encouragement, but overall, my experience in Uganda greatly influenced my attitude towards prayer and allowed me to see the benefits of finally giving every aspect of my life to God and trusting Him with everything. Even as I sit here and write, minutes away from my first day of student teaching, I feel somewhat at peace because I can confidently say that whatever happens, whether I hate it or I love it, it is happening for a reason and God can work through it.
Only minutes from now I will begin another adventure and I am not entirely sure where it will take me. I do not know whether or not I truly want to be a teacher. I do not know whether or not I will enjoy it or whether it is the right occupation for me. I know nothing other than that trusting God with my life is really my only option. I could spend hours contemplating what I should do with my life or worrying that teaching is not where I should be, but in the end, whether positive or negative, the experience will somehow benefit me, because I have learned that God works both on the mountaintop and in the valley. I really have no concept whatsoever at this moment in time what my future might look like, or where God may lead me, but I know that my goal is to keep Christ in the center of my life and seek to love God and love others and believe that everything else will fall into place. I may not feel the call to sell all I have and give my money to the poor, but as Sider points out in Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, the point of the rich young ruler story is not necessarily to convince us to sell all of our possessions, but rather that Christ must be the center of our lives and we must not let anything become more important than Him. He is only demanding total submission to himself (191). I know my calling involves living simply and trusting in God’s plan for my life, and whether or not that involves education, well, I guess I will find out how I feel about teaching in a few minutes when I walk out this door and into the classroom for the first time, but whatever happens, I can rest assured knowing that it is happening for a reason and that God has it under control. Now, that’s easier said than done, but whenever a decision comes or I find myself worrying about some issue, I hope to look back at my experiences in Uganda and remind myself that as long as I am striving to live for God, He will guide me in the direction I need to go. And now, just as I wrote one year ago minutes before getting on the airplane to Uganda, I’m about to begin another wild and crazy adventure, but I am ready. Student teaching- here I come
Sources
Carpenter, Jason. Personal interview. 7 Mar. 2008.
Holy Bible. Matthew 6:31-34. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1989.
Nouwen, Henry J.M., Donald P. McNeill, and Douglas A. Morrison. Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life. New York: Image-Doubleday, 1982. 102.
Isingoma, Williams. Personal interview. March 2008.
Sider, Ronald J. Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger: Moving from Affluence to Generosity. 4th ed. Dallas: Word, 1997.
