Last year at this time I was in Rwanda. I've been thinking a LOT about my semester in Uganda lately, and remembering things I haven't thought about since they happened a year ago. After spending three months in Uganda, I was amazed by the modern American-like city in Rwanda. The change was immediate after crossing the border. Suddenly the sickness in my stomach disappeared because we were no longer traveling on bumpy, dusty, dirt roads that seemed nearly impassable, but we were on a freshly paved smooth road. We were surrounded by scenery that was even more beautiful than Uganda. I remember questioning how one simple border could result in such a drastic change, and I remember the answer to the question suddenly hitting me: This country, Rwanda, is brand new, for only 14 years earlier it was completely destroyed by a massive genocide. Every person we saw who was over the age of 14 was a survivor and had lived through the unimaginable horror. The paved roads, the large brand new buildings, the trees and flowers, and even the stoplights (yes, there were stop lights!) only existed because they were first destroyed. And I never saw it before, because I only chose to look at the negative side, but what a parallel to our lives in Christ! Because of the destruction and horrible death Christ suffered, our lives can be reconstructed and created to be beautiful. How amazing is that?

Ok, maybe that's a big stretch. Maybe it's not really a correct parallel at all. But it seems to make sense to me. Rwanda was a fine country before the genocide occurred. But then tragedy struck--unimaginable, horrifying, heartbreaking tragedy--and it seemed all hope was lost for the country as many wondered how they could ever face the world again after such loss and torture. But look at them now! Not only was the physical side of the country breathtakingly beautiful, but so were the survivors, and the stories of forgiveness and hope. What a testimony to hear 20 year old students explain that they watched their entire families get beaten to death, and yet they have managed to completely forgive the murderers. No, I'm not saying that Rwanda should have had to face a genocide in order to become a beautiful country full of forgiveness and love, and I'm not saying that it requires a tragedy to make something beautiful out of life. What I am saying is that I suddenly see the demonstration that God is able to turn the worst horrors imaginable into something beautiful, and He does the same with our lives, as a result of His own death.

It's been a tough year, for a number of reasons, in many people's lives around us, including my own. But maybe this realization, even if it is completely off-base, is God's way of reminding me that no matter what we're facing, He will make it beautiful. Whatever is challenging us now, He's got something better for us ahead. As I look back on the past several years of life, I think about the many new situations I spent so much time worrying about....starting college, going to Uganda, living with new roommates, and student teaching...all things I feared/dreaded to begin with, but in the end, were WONDERFUL experiences!

I don't know....just thinking...and this is what came out. Who knows. I'm not even sure why I wrote this on here...I'm pretty sure no one reads it anymore anyway! Oh well. I love writing :) And I love Uganda, and miss it, and want to go back. . . even if they pour water all over you on your birthday!

Ok, that's all. Enough thinking for today!

Peace

Yes, it has been months since I have written, and no, I doubt there's anyone out there who still checks this thing, but I'm writing nonetheless, if not for someone else, than for my own sake.

Life's been challenging lately. I thought last semester in Uganda was tough, but this semester has presented it's own challenges I never even imagined I'd be facing. Health concerns keep me up each night and make it hard to function some days. Today is one of those days. School seems overwhelming at the moment and I wonder if things will ever get done. Living with my two roommates this semester isn't working out the way we'd all planned, and life just really seems to be taking it's toll on me.

And then I begin reading through parts of my Uganda journal because I'm speaking twice in classes this week about my time there, and I come to a quote from an MCC worker.

"Peace is when you can sleep in your hut without locking your door and wake up in the morning and didn't get beaten."

I read that and realize just how much I miss Uganda and all of the people there. Because they never took the time to complain about their problems. They lived lives of joy no matter what they were facing. No matter what challenges came their way, they simply gave thanks to the Lord and remained joyful, always being confident that the Lord would provide.

Maybe I have reason to complain, maybe I don't. I keep telling everyone I'd just like to feel "normal" again for one day and be free from whatever health issues I'm facing. I'd just like to know that I'm going to graduate and figure out what I'm supposed to do. I'd just like to make it through the week. But if I really stop and pause to think about that definition of peace compared to my own, I might realize that I already have peace. I can rest peacefully in the arms of my Savior because He promises to provide for me what I need, and to give rest to the weary and strength to the weak.

We recently filled out our housing forms for next semester. I remember checking the box last year at this time that said "I will not be attending" and explaining that I'd be studying abroad. I remember being nervous and terrified of what I was getting myself into. And now that it's over, I wish I could be checking that box again, going back to the place that taught me about peace and dependence on God. I sure do miss it there. But until I'm called back, I suppose all I can do is let my experiences there continue to teach me here.

Uganda, NJA KUSALIRWA!

I've now been back at Olivet for one week due to student teaching stuff. School starts Wednesday. Now, I must say, I love Olivet and the atmosphere it provides, but part of me wishes my semester abroad could begin all over again. I wish instead of going to class Wednesday I'd be jumping on a plane, meeting 40 new incredible friends from all across America, and traveling 30 hours to arrive in Uganda. The apprehension felt in the time leading up to departure, the nervousness felt as I met new people and arrived at my new host family's home, and the fear that overcame me the minute I was alone with them would all be worth it if I could just go back again. But for now, I suppose the giant Uganda flag and pictures from the semester that are covering my apartment walls, the occasional emails from my host sister telling me hilarious stories learned at school, just like old times, and my poor attempts at making rice, g-nut sauce, and chapatis will have to do. Uganda, "Nja kusalirwa!" (Uganda, I miss you)

Well, my last update was a month and a half ago, and while there probably have been things I could write about, I just haven't actually sat down to write. And I'm not really this time either, so don't get too excited :-) I just finished writing a paper for the Uganda Studies Program about faith development during the semester. Near the end of the semester, they chose about ten of us to discuss our experiences in relation to our spiritual growth, and then asked us to submit a paper describing the process. Since I haven't thought of anything else to write about lately, I thought I'd post the paper. It's not much, but hey, it's an update! Enjoy.

Spiritual growth is something that, as Christians, we all strive for each and every day. If we are not growing in Christ, then our spiritual lives become stale and stagnant, even meaningless. The great thing about Christianity is it never grows old. Just when we think we have it all figured out, we will face new challenges, new questions, or new information that add to the knowledge and beliefs we already have. The learning and growth process should never stop. But contrary to what we would like, the spiritual growth we long for does not always happen on the mountaintops. Rather, it is through the challenging situations, through the unknown, and through questioning that the greatest growth takes place, at least in my life, and no time in my life thus far better describes that than my semester spent in Uganda.

Upon arriving in Uganda, I expected God to start working immediately, and I expected it to be big. After all, I was there for a reason, and that reason, I convinced myself, was so I could grow as a person and grow in Christ. But just days in to the semester, I slowly saw those expectations shattering, and as I asked myself what on earth I was doing there, I began to doubt God’s plan. When classes started and professors began to ask the tough questions about Christianity, I suddenly realized I knew much less than I thought I did, and I still had a lot to figure out. I did not have all of the answers, or any of them actually, and that caused my spiritual frustration to grow even more as I saw everything I once thought I knew and believed in being challenged and questioned. Not only were my expectations shattered, but many of my previous Christian beliefs were as well. It was not until late in the semester that I learned how beneficial that breaking down my beliefs actually was.

While my time in Uganda may have been challenging and frustrating many times, I would have it no other way. For it was through the challenges and the questioning that I found God. Struggling to enjoy life with my host family caused me to genuinely depend on God and trust in His plan. Being forced to discover that I do not have all of the answers when it comes to Christianity caused me to seek God for answers. While it was frustrating at times to have professors present us with questions and never provide us with answers, it caused me to really seek and discover answers on my own, which is something I had not before experienced in my life full of spoon-fed “Christian” answers. Had family life been great, had God showed up immediately in a big way, or had questions about faith been non-existent, I would have had no reason to seek God and learn to trust Him. It was only because of the challenging situations that I saw my desperate need for God and it was only through experiencing poverty hands-on that I saw the world’s urgent need for a loving God. It was through seeing a young girl begging for food on the side of the road and continuing to pass her by that I began questioning what it really means to be a Christian. It was by working through cultural differences that I learned how to look at every individual through the eyes of God. Had God done something drastic at the beginning of the semester, I would have missed the opportunity to learn to look for God in the small, everyday events of life. Had my family-life been wonderful throughout the entire trip, I would have missed experiencing the amazing power of prayer when the situation turned completely around. So while it may seem, and I may have felt at times as if my time in Uganda completely shattered my faith-life, I would have to say the opposite is true. Yes, I experienced many times of spiritual frustration as well as many challenging situations. Yes, I grew unsure of the true meaning of Christianity. Yes, I realized how little I actually know about Christianity, and I questioned God throughout most of the semester, but that, I have learned, is the beauty of spiritual growth. Only God could take such challenging situations and such frustration and turn it in to such spiritual growth. My faith did not grow because I saw God acting in big ways. It did not grow because life was easy and I thanked God for that. It did not grow because I found all of the answers. It grew because He brought me through the challenges, He allowed me to seek Him for answers, and He taught me to trust in Him despite difficult situations. Perhaps one of the biggest lessons I learned when it comes to faith is that I will never have it all figured out, and I will never have all of the answers, and that is ok. Perhaps I could have learned all of these lessons in America, but I truly believe it was the situations I faced that caused me to seek God and discover the God of the whole world rather than keeping Him in the American box. Sure, it was a semester full of challenges, but looking back, I would not have it any other way.

Resources replacing God?

I just finished an awesome conversation with a friend about prayer. Both having had cross-cultural experiences before, we discussed the amazing passion for prayer we saw demonstrated across the world in far away countries. We discussed their utter dependence upon prayer in their daily lives. They never just prayed because it was on their list of things that make them Christian, they prayed because their lives and their survival literally depended on it. They desperately needed God to survive, and they acknowledged that daily in their prayer lives.

Many of you will remember reading about the overnight prayer service I attended while in Uganda. We were gathering to pray for our town, Mukono, because of the witchcraft taking place throughout the town. It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had, and certainly one of the most powerful. Yet I wonder, would we ever do that here? Would people really gather all night in a church just to pray? They believed their prayers would be heard and answered, and they believed prayer was their only option.

We went on to discuss the frustrations we face as American Christians. How quickly our prayer lives grow stale. How quickly we forget about that amazing passion we saw overseas. Why is it that other nations can have such a passion for prayer, and yet we can't seem to finish a prayer without falling asleep or letting our minds wander to other less important areas? And then we figured it out. Well, maybe anyway. Look at the living situation of the Ugandans I spent four months with. What other option do they have to fulfill their needs other than prayer? If they get sick, they can't just stop by the corner drug store and buy the latest medication, they can't afford to see a doctor, so their only option for healing is prayer. If their crops are dry, they can't just turn a knob, stretch out the hose, and water them. Their only option is to ask God for rain. If their food starts to spoil, they can't just run to the grocery store and choose from hundreds of options, their only option is to pray. They really are totally dependent on God.

We are so blessed as Americans. We often take our resources for granted, as it's quite easy to forget about the world around us and how lucky we truly are. Yet sometimes I think those blessings can also be a curse. We discussed how maybe, just maybe, we can't find that passion for prayer here because we have so many other resources to try out first. Yes, being able to go to the doctor and receive treatment and medication is a wonderful thing. Watering our lawns or gardens is great. Having a variety of healthy foods to keep us well-nourished is certainly a blessing. But where does God fit in to those pictures? Yes, we pray for people when they're sick, but don't we sometimes have just as much faith in the doctors and medicine as we do in God? The truth is we are just as in need of a savior as any other nation, but maybe our abundance of resources sometimes keep us from realizing that.

And finally, we discussed how sometimes it seems we seek out every possible option before we finally decide to seek out God. The book Jesus with Dirty Feet by Don Everts describes it well. "Over and over and over Jesus repeated his message: 'You need me. You are lost, dull sheep. I am a shepherd. You are blind. I am a healer of the eyes. You are stumbling in darkness. I am light. You are starving. I am bread. You are dying of thirst. I am water.'" And while we want to think we really truly believe that we need Jesus, we fight for it. "We grow indignant to the message because we don't see our need," Everts continues. "We insist we're doing just fine on our own. Hunger? Thirst? Darkness? What are you talking about, I feel fine! We seek other answers. The Greeks sought out wisdom. The Jewish religious leaders carefully focused on law. The Romans achieved social order."

Yea, we're incredibly blessed to live in America. We're incredibly blessed to have the many resources that we do. But we have to be careful not to let those resources replace our need for God. Perhaps the reason we don't seem to find that same passion for prayer here is because we unknowingly depend on other resources rather than on God. Who knows....just something my friend and I found interesting enough to discuss, so I thought I'd share...